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Life's Questions
By: Brett
M. Parsons
As I sit here on this late summer's eve, the Sun sinks in the West. The shadows lengthen and creep across the lawn, and night closes in. Soon another day will be done. As darkness descends, I find it more difficult too see out and watch the World slip by. I turn my gaze inward and look deep within myself, and as always, when I do, the questions come unbidden, and I begin to ponder the deeper mysteries of life. These seemingly insoluble riddles. Life's questions, I call them. Nothing so cliche' as the meaning of life, or what is love? People much more intelligent than I have thought on these weighty issues since the dawn of mankind, and still no answers have been forthcoming. I'll leave such questions to the philosophers and poets. I tend to think about the things that really matter and perplex us on a daily basis. Like....
Where do they find these Morons for the Jerry Springer show? I mean, wow. I could spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for the next decade working hard at it and still not be as messed up as these poor, sad, pathetic bastards. Where in the Hell do they come from? Now, I have heard a rumor, and it's only a rumor mind you, that they come from Arkansas, but I'm not one given to bandying about such unsubstantiated gossip.
What freakin' idiot in remote antiquity ever decided Diamonds are so valuable? Duh! It's a goddamn rock for Christ's sake. I mean, don't you have to dig the things out of the ground? I find it somewhat ironic that women find a rock to be a symbol of undying love. Never mind that we men would move Heaven and Earth for the woman we love. Do anything that they ask, suffer any misery ( this is usually a day at the in-laws) and if God should deem it so, even give our lives for them (and no, it isn't just for sex ladies). Do these things matter? Do they have any value? Hell no. But a Diamond? That's true love baby! How much sense does that make? Would you plunk down a 1/4 of a years income for a microscopic chunk of limestone? I guess if we men are willing to cough up that much cash for a fucking rock, we MUST be in love.
How come we American's can't seem to make a decent beer? I love this country, I really do, and there are a lot of things we do well. I'm afraid making beer isn't one of them. We created and built the internet. We invented Rock n' Roll. We even landed a man on the moon, but we can't seem to brew a decent pilsener? What's up with that?
How come the rest of you 6.7 billion people on this planet don't seem to take my schedule into account? What in the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know that my shit is IMPORTANT? You mean to tell me someone couldn't stay at the bank until 8:00pm because I couldn't make it there sooner? After all, Happy Hour runs from five to seven. It's this kind of attitude and rude behavior that I have had to deal with my whole life, and quite frankly, it's beginning to piss me off. At the age of 33, I think I have dealt with it long enough, and it's about goddamn time some changes were made.
Who in the hell is "They"? I hear people say that all the time. They say this, they say that. Blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. Who in the Hell is they? Does anyone out there know who "They" are? What is there? Some kind of International "They " Consortium, who meet once every couple of years and come up with some of these particular tidbits of unbrilliant wisdom. Let's take a look at some of the things "They" say, shall we? "They" say "You can't have your cake and eat it too". Well, just what is the point in having cake in the first place, except to eat it? Duh! They say "Rome wasn't built in a day". Well, I am glad "They" are around to tell me these things, 'cause I never would have been able to figure that one out on my own. They say " If you don't stop doing that, you will go blind" Bullshit man, I don't even need glasses. They say " Diamonds are a girl's best friend" Well, we already covered the diamonds angle. One little side note however. If all you can find for a best friend is a rock, you got problems, man. It's these little witticisms that have made my life a living nightmare. So, if anyone knows who "They" are, please send me their names and adresses, 'cause all I can say is "Let the beatings begin"
If you would like to make any comments, or crticism of this piece, you can do so by E-mailing me by clicking the link below.
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